Woo! It's been a long time since I wrote here. I now have a job, I turned 18 yesterday, and I cut my hair (which is mostly black). Vanessa was the first person to wish me happy birthday yesterday. This was after she sang some of her new songs. It was lovely. Anyway, party is in 4 hours so I should clean my room. Abbeys birthday this year was fun. heh, Jean Claude was awesome. (He was a cardboard cutout Emilie and I made for Abbey for her vampire themed party. Excellent.

It's been so long since I last danced!  This evening I went to a drop in Merengue lesson with Kirsten, Quinn, and Hilary.  There was a gymnasium full of people my age and up.  Ahh, I feel so... social - dancing with strangers, and hanging out with 3 people I want to know better.  Anyway, it was very... educational, but also funny because of the dancing of all the different people.  Half of the people who talked to me had think accents of one sort or another, and so I had to keep asking them to repeat what they had said :P. After the lessons (an hour), there was free dancing, and that was also fun, as I got asked to dance by various people (one guy who taught me the cha-cha-cha, but was kinda over-controlling, so kirsten rescued me, and use girls went outside for a while).  It was so nice to interact with new people... I was in a rut.  I'm very happy that Kirsten invited me!  And we got to talk, which makes me so happy...

Yes, so I am in love with the dance!

And I showed my belly dancing moves to Kirsten - and I think I'm actually somewhat interesting, I have a skill that not many people have!  Ahh I don't know, I'm just happy any crazy.

(May 1, 2004) 
We teach our children not only that thoughts only make sense if you can put them into words, but that we are required to create equations out of simple things.  Like one tree is one unit, one organism, separate for convenience of description.  It would be fine if we didn’t start to believe that a tree is one tree.  Maybe we just like to count things.  Measurements are certainly where we create our sense of individual power; where one person is worth more than another.

 

But you can’t ever say this to someone.  You can’t tell someone that trees are our siblings, or you become a flake.  Earth spirituality can’t be told to someone, they will always dismiss it, unless they are already inclined to believe.  It has to be personally discovered if it is to be believed at all.  You can always tell someone that Jesus is their saviour – then you’re religious, not a flake.  You can tell them that money buys happiness, or that beauty is in a haircut.  Then you’re realistic and healthily cynical.  I guess by now we all know who rules the world.  It’s all in those simple words, like ‘flake’ and ‘ditz’ that reduce a free spirit to something to be ashamed of, and not revered.  Those words become a part of us.  The labels placed upon us define us, but we are even more defined by the labels we are willing and eager to place upon others.  They are all closed-minded.  Ultimately, they all make us unhappy.

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I wrote that a while ago and now I'm not sure what to think about it.  The entire discussion with myself is three pages long, but I figured I would keep it short for those of you who find comments like these tiresome.  I'll continue with the thought, because I've changed since then.  I find the religious undertone particularly interesting.

The whole thing leads me to think about what we all want from the world.  We all want something.  The things we want may not be things, maybe they are just a feeling or a state of mind, or those who want to take a break from material desires go to religion, but it's all the same thing, we all want something more.  (Side note, are creations of the mind made of matter?  If they aren't, what are they literally made of? Anyone have any answers?)  I used to desire to not be included in that category of those who want, but that desire in itself proves it's a futile goal.  Even if what we seek is to want nothing, or if what we want more of is more of less.  It's all the same, and nothing to be ashamed of because it's who we are. 

So why have faith in something?  The fact that we follow something without evidence of its existence isn't strange.  What is significant is that we long for something that can't be proven, and that the fact that it's undefinable is what is most important.  That's why we need to believe.  If we could explain it, it wouldn't have a purpose anymore.  Spirituality and faith are separate and almost opposite from language.  I'm not talking about religion with rules and definitions and fear, I mean spirituality (and to define that word is not only difficult but impossible and even destructive, which is exactly my point).  Spirituality is so important because it is indescribable.

Most of us seek something beyond words.  It must be something that is (so good it's) unexplainable, untranslatable, and therefore the only thing truly personal left, that makes us choose spirituality.  We want to escape our own simplifications, our own labels, and our own words.  Language has its purpose, but equally as important are silence and the unknown, because there is nothing left to want when that mystery is gone.  We all need to want, it's who we are, and we can't be satisfied with wanting material things.

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That is why I think we truly believe.  Why we worship is another question entirely.  It is different from being spiritual.  It has many social and cultural explanations, but outside of that context, on an individual level, I wonder why we need to worship something, to hold something responsible for the great mysetry, and to thank them for putting it there. Even the idea that we need to give thanks and pay tribute to something is unique to our species.  We worship because we are different from everyone else, we don't fit in, we don't have a secure place in our environment, and so we are uneasy.  Or maybe that's just another reason to believe.  So what is it?

Sometimes I just feel religious, spiritual, connected, but it's the extra interpretation that tells us we have to give thanks.  If you were capable of making a universe, would you need to be thanked when you did?  Does someone like that need gratification?  I once thought living a life of joy was enough thanks, but the idea that any thanks is necessary now seems very bizarre.  I like being spiritual, and if at any given point in time I elect to disregard my logic, it makes perfect sense, and it feels good, but I truly can't justify it to myself.  I would rather be a part of the Earth than worship it.  Any environmental standpoint I take has nothing to do with religion, and everything to do with personal feelings.  I love the Earth, but worship isn't necessary, it's just personally gratifying sometimes. 

Maybe worship is a recognition of the importance of mystery in our lives, and a certain gratitude for the things that don't have words, for the last personal things.  Or maybe we just long to share our fascination with someone, like a creator or a higher being.  Any thoughts?

The year is 14030 AD.  In dog years.  It is a very important time of year, as dogs start out their 140th century.  All over the world dogs will congregate to celebrate for this supersticious year.  It was prophesied that in the 30th year of the 140th century, Rover would return and bring the dogs happiness.  And so they wait.

Abbey's surprise party was super cool, and on the 17th Emilie and I didn't go to school and instead set up tables for the science fair.  Because.  And the Mad Caddies show was excellent, except Abbey had given blood earlier that day so she had to stay out of the mosh pit.  That's the short summary of my last month or so.  So I remember.

... with slapstick comedy just waiting to happen.  Oh, and other humorous things too. Last friday was spent at the mall with Nathan, Steph, and Emilie, picking out hilarious outfits for eachother.  And I had one of those moments where you're running, and you try to stop but the floor is slippery so you fall square on your behind.  If that's not bad enough, time has to slow down for these events, so that everyone can get a good look at the shocked look on your face as you become one with gravity.  I don't find it embarassing, but all the same it's the sort of situation that calls for embarassed laughter.  It's just better that way.  I'm glad the other people in the mall were laughing too, even though they were trying to hide it.

So anyway, that was cool.  We went to Steph's house afterwards and watched Zoolander.  Tehe.  Hm.  It's birthday season, and that makes me think about birth, and birthdays.  When I was young I never connected the two.  A birthday was a day for cake and friendsand yes, presents.  Now, I'd prefer celebrating my life on the anniversary of it, as opposed to opening arbitrary gifts.  Canada should have a national Life day.  It's curious that we don't, that life has become so ususal, as though it happens all the time!  Of course if Life Day was a national holiday, the cereal and board games named after this essential form would exploit it for all they've got.  But nothing is perfect.  Maybe Life Day is New Year's day.  Or it's at any and every random moment, throughout life, regardless of anniversary or cycle.

Death, on the other hand.  It's strange to me that we can't celebrate that as well.  I want to.  But then, I've never had to Mumba with death myself, so who am I to say?  A friend of mine lost a close relative very recently, and I don't know how to react.  I can feel the sadness, the loss, and it affects me, but I'm also so happy myself that it's hard to be both.  It's not my place to try and cheer anyone up, or to make the loss mine.  For me... If I died now I'd have died a happy person, but my death would negate any of that previous energy.  I have a million places to go after this, and I'm just as excited as I am about the life I'm living now.  Why do I get the feeling that's unusual?  Mourning is necessary, in whatever form.  But I haven't made any decisions yet.

Tomorrow is the 1/365th anniversary of today.  It's time to celebrate!  Don't laugh at the flaky or the frivolous!  Laugh with us.  Heh heh...  Or you could decide which way suits you best...

___
who

I think humanities it getting far too deep inside my head.  I should have found it sooner.  What I mean, is that I like Shakespeare a lot (whoa man, deep).  We're watching a movie of Hamlet in humanities.  And now I hear Hamlet's (the actor of) voice saying strange things in my head, most recently something about monochromatic puppets.  I'm not kidding about that one.  It's mysterious, but not unwelcome.  It is good to have some company in here, and Hamlet is such a powerful character.  And then when I was sitting at the feast today (I went to a funny little feast today.  Ask me about it sometime, and you shall hear the harrowing tale.) I kept thinking how I might respond to a question if I spoke as shakespeare writes.  If only I had the wit, the capacity to say something without saying it...  And to speak that quickly without stumbling over words.  Yay for education.  Bring on the Shakespeare (though honestly, I don't know how well I'd get it if it weren't for the movie.  If characters don't have faces I tend to forget which is which very quickly).  Someday I will memorize entire acts and play out every character at once, in public.  Yeah right.  But wouldn't that be funny...

I feel like I should write something about something, for my future self.  I'll tell you a story.

My friend Emilie and I went to Chinook mall, and tried on millions of grad dresses, for the sake of bathing in our own vanity.  It was quite fun, and the same dresses seemed to always look good on us (though different sizes).  Ok that's not a very good story, although it does betray a sense of innocent and utter bimboticry that holds a certain appeal to me.  So basically I have nothing to say, nothing to whine about, and nobody to secretly tell rumours about behind their backs.  What kind of teenager am I?!  Hmm.  Boys ogle ogle where have all the cowboys gone ogle ogle.  That reminds me.  Has anyone on the other side of this screen seen the French movie Mondo?  What I'm trying to say is, there is a young fellow in it, and he looks like he will one day be a very good looking guy.  And who knows how long ago the movie was filmed - he may already be!

So how about something you find interesting.  Debate or discussion anyone?  I'll take suggestions of topics, and then dicuss my side and not let anyone else defend their own opinions!  It'll be great.  Any takers?  Really, I'll discuss anything.  or maybe I'll get some excercise.

I was having a perfectly unremarkable hour, when I looked down and dicovered that my bellybutton was slightly off-centre.  I asked myself why such an abnormality would come to be, but then realized the obvious. 

It was clearly a mutation in one of my autosomic chromosomes, involving a reduced Adenine base composition ratio in the affected dermal area.  In order to confirm my hypothesis, I extracted a RNA sample from my PYA and dicovered that my nucleotides contained an unusual combination of glucose and fructose.  Dangerous amounts of Phenylalanine had accumulated, inhibiting CTG codons from developing in the affected region, leading to a nervous system dysfunction in all my cells containing arginine.

Sometimes I'm grumpy.  Sometimes I believe I could take a cement truck sized bag of potatos and smash something fragile for being so incompetent.  This isn't one of those times.  Today I am sleepy, happy, and a little bit doc.  But that is beside my point.  like this:

That      My point

Oh great, that was so funny I forgot my point.  Problems like this are best solved by pointing at something.  Here, I'll let you try:

SOMETHING

Go ahead, point, I know you want to.  You did?  Hmm, I don't think that really solved my problem after all. 

I've eaten way too many lifesavers today.  So many that in a sugar induced stupor, I actually think it would be ironic to die in this way.  And I keep imagining scenarios in which, after my death, my parents threaten to sue the lifesaving company, and in order to avoid a lawsuit they change the candy name to any number of possibilities, such as:

DeathSavers
LifeNonSavers
DeathBringers
LifeStealers

Wow, the oppoutrinities are endless.  As are the number of digits in pi, as well as the number of calories in certain types of pie.  Like I know what calrories are.

Hey everyone, I'm getting a snake.  It is not going to be great.  It is not going to be amazing.  It is going to be amazingly amazing!